Walking in a Moose-Less Wonderland
by conjure-at-your-own-risk
Summary: Somehow Eros' bow and arrows have gone missing in Canada of all places. Gender-Bended. Challenge B for the FanFiction ImagiNation Forum.


**AN: This is one of those Ah-Screw-it-I'm-Going-to-Upload moments. Okay, I can explain: Too many ideas with not enough willpower to write, last year of high school, college stuff, and now I have a laptop to type everything on! Depending on the reception for this fic, I may write more like this with the plots, maybe even with the same Rule 63 Percy and Annabeth. **

**This takes place before The Last Olympian. This was inspired by the short story Love Hurts by Jim Butcher, and from seeing the White Lights festival in Montreal. The story that is told is from Plato's Symposium. It**** might be obvious that I was also marathoning Firefly again, because once you get your family hooked, you have to watch it with them to see their reactions. ****  
**

**Thank you, Anna, for the title. **

**tumblr: conjure-at-your-own-risk **

**Disclaimer**: Boston is my favorite city, but I'm not Rick Riordan, Disney, nor Hyperion. Percy Jackson is all theirs.

**Word Count**: 5K

**Title**: Walking in a Moose-Less Wonderland

**Summary**: Somehow Eros' bow and arrows have gone missing in Canada of all places. Gender-Bended. Challenge B for the FanFiction ImagiNation Forum.

* * *

It was hard to describe how attractive Eros was.

Like, he just was. It was a simple fact like that Ares needed anger management classes, Zeus was great at dramatics, and Eros was freakishly good looking and standing in my kitchen. He definitely took after Aphrodite in the looks department because his appearance kept changing from person to another. There was the actor in that movie about the Israeli spy, Tristan McClean; then he shifted to something that looked like the romantic lead in the chic-flick Mom and I saw the other day; and for a brief moment he resembled, just a little, to Archimedes with the stormy eyes and curly hair.

Just a little. Okay? Having a god in my kitchen that clearly wasn't here to have some leftover blue Christmas cookies distracted me.

"Penelope Jackson," he greeted. "Archimedes Chase."

I said something really intelligent ("Wha—_at?")_ while Archimedes held a threatening spatula up. He was a little touchy about his impromptu vacation being spoiled by gods and monsters.

"Penny," Archimedes said in my ear. He poked my shoulder with the spatula.

I waved him away. "Not now, Archie." Leave me alone so that I can stare at the pretty god. Oh, yes, what a pretty god he was.

"I have a quest," Eros said. His smile was shinning and I could almost feel myself melting in his presence. I could agree to just about anything to hear him speak some more...

And that was how I ended up with a gaudy locket and in Canada with a grumpy best friend on a quest to find Eros' stupid missing bow and arrows.

"How much do I owe you?" I asked when readjusting my winter hat. With Eros' presence gone, I could only feel a lot of embarrassment on how I'd slavishly agreed to a god who had a great bone structure.

"Guess," Archimedes said. He zipped his jacket up to his chin and had his magical Yankees cap bunched up in one hand. "Do me a favor and next time there's a no questing policy when I come over."

I couldn't think of anything to say that could make him feel better. He'd come up to supervise some project at camp for the week, and it was great getting to see him beyond the IM messages. Mom was especially happy to have him around and had offered to let him stay the day and drive him to the airport for his flight back home.

Gods, I wasn't going to say it to his face, but it felt really good to have him near me. Too many close calls over the summer for all of us, and it really puts into perspective on how much I have to rely on my friends. There was also the small matter of trying to bring up what had happened before the whole volcano incident. But it was hard to find an opening about feelings and emotions when there's a war that's about to begin. Or had already begun for our case.

"I was expecting more mooses," I said as we passed the gates.

"Moose, it can be singular and plural," Archimedes corrected. A small white puff of air left his mouth. "Don't insult them, they're Canada's national animal for a reason." He jostled his way through the crowd with his shoulder; his gray eyes were sharp and attentive.

The festival was packed and Canadian. Instead of smelling like maple syrup like what I was hoping for, it was wet and cold and snowing. People bundled in winter jackets swarmed around us, laughing and eating warm food. There were booths set up and lots of distractions for two teenagers with ADHD. There were projectors displaying cool stuff on buildings, a giant slide for people going down in potato sacks, and really just the coolest stuff. I could see why a lot of people enjoyed visiting Montreal for this.

It was also a good place to hide if you were Eros' demigod son who had stolen certain special artifacts of power. Canada was apparently a good place to hide, and a popular festival only made the job easier.

Good job, you horrible son. You've officially ruined several peoples' day.

My hand slid inside my jacket pocket and I held onto my pen. Even though I knew better than to whip a weapon out in a crowd (it wasn't like anyone was going to get injured or anything), there was a cautious feeling that came with a god asking for your help. The last time that'd happened we were dealing with an evil Tunnel of Love and some spiders.

Back when finding a missing lightning bolt was the biggest of our problems. Man, how times have changed...

"How's your school year been?" he asked. He looked over his shoulder to see if I was still there. It was brief but he was doing that ever since I'd gone on that unplanned vacation at Ogygia. Thinking about the island brought me back the sandy beaches, the scent of the flowers, and the lonely goddess

"Oh, you know." I shrugged, banishing the image of Calypso's sad eyes. It was hard to think about academics with the end of the world around the corner. It made math tests very bland in comparison. Although my grade in gym has gone up (because there's nothing like staying fit with an apocalypse on our hands.) "You? What's up?" There hadn't been much time to talk about personal lives as of late. A lot of our spare time went into training and creating strategies, and less with homework and hanging out with non-lethal friends.

"There's this architecture class..." Archimedes' voice turned dreamy and fell with a sudden flat. "But with my grades I haven't been able to get in."

I winced. It wasn't easy being a child Athena, the goddess of freaking intelligence, and having to deal with dyslexia and ADHD, to have everyone undermine your intelligence because of that.

Life sucked.

It sucked a lot for a demigod.

"The kid," I said, hoping to change topics. "You've stayed at camp longer. Does he ring any bells?"

"The children of the minor gods..." His face heated in embarrassment. "It's sometimes hard to keep track who is the kid of which god, and the Hermes Cabin gets so full—" He sighed in defeat and turned to scan the crowd. "We've been losing more."

"That's what the reports been telling me." I wrinkled my nose and tried to ignore the sickening feeling in my stomach. We were losing more kids to either Lucy's army or dead by her legion of monsters. More of the scarier beasties were popping up like daisies, and our satyrs were having trouble keeping up with bringing demigods to Camp Half-Blood.

Either dead or gone to the dark side. It wasn't looking so good for us.

"Think we should split up?" I asked. "We could cover more ground."

"And if something happens?" Archimedes countered.

"I'm pretty sure our lives aren't like the ones in cheesy horror movies," I drawled. I bumped his shoulder with mine. "Come on, it wouldn't hurt for us to use our training."

"Then what does Virgil Couer look like?"

There was a beat of silence.

Gosh. Eros sucked. Send us off to Canada on a quest with only a hideous locket that could send us back home, and he had never told us what his son looked like.

What a guy. What a god. Definitely Father of the Year material.

"So what should we look out for?" I asked.

"Anything Greek, of course. Any really sudden displays of affection, magical energies—"

"And?" I said.

"I think he's short."

"We've saved the world how many times?"

"I'm thinking of a strategy," he mumbled. "Just give me a second." His took his hand away from his chin and stared at something over my shoulder. "He wouldn't."

"What?" I turned around and I saw what it was. "No," I said. "He stole from his dad, he has to have more brains than that."

"It's dark in there," Archimedes said. "It's crowded, plenty of nooks and crannies, it wouldn't stand out. It also wouldn't hurt to investigate."

"There's an underground mall." I pulled out a map that I'd grabbed from a kiosk and pointed at it. "See? Mall's a good place if any."

"But love." He gestured to the entrance to the Tunnel of Love. "We all have an ironic moron inside of us."

"That's the best you got?" I crumpled the map to put back in my pocket.

"You'll have to come with me to hear the rest." He started walking and I called him something in Ancient Greek.

The line of adoring couples wasn't that long, but we were near the end. It was getting colder and darker, so I snuggled my arms under my armpits and thought about warm beaches and Camp in the summer.

"Okay," I said. "What's your genius plan?"

"You're a regular at camp and you haven't noticed?" Both blond eyebrows were raised to his hairline.

"Right, I don't have those keen powers of observation." I bumped his hip. "Be real here, Wise Guy, I miss the obvious a lot."

"I'm not going to argue with that." His smile was brief, but Archimedes ruined the moment by shifting into one of his lecture modes. "Children of the gods are drawn to places that are similar to their parents' domain of power. Like how Clarence likes to go near places of battle, you and anything with water, Seth with salons—"

"But Theo hates heights," I said, thinking about our good friend that recently became immortal (long story involving a magical apple that he was allowed to take a bite out of).

"There's an exception to every rule." He turned away from me.

"You're guessing!" I accused. "Oh my gods, I can't believe it. You are guessing!"

"It's an _educated_ guess." High spots of color appeared on his cheeks. "He wants to make a deal with Lucy's minions, and we have to stop him."

"We're going into the Tunnel of Love to get something back that involves a love deity," I deadpanned. "Gee, this all sounds super familiar. Remember last time?"

"The better not be any spiders." Our eyes met and a slow smile curved over his face. "Think you can save me from if we come across any?"

"Don't worry, Archie, I got you." The memories were playing in my mind. "That was a crazy adventure. You, me, Tunnel of Love, and on live television in front of our parents. I wonder how the ratings were?"

Archimedes crossed his arms over his chest. He shivered almost if those metallic spiders were back for round two. "If I'm wrong then we'll check out the mall."

"Good," I said. "Wow, I'll never let you forget this when I'm right."

"Penny, you're sounding really sure of yourself."

"I'm allowed to have my moments."

It was our turn to get in the dingy boat. We strapped ourselves in and we descended into the cheesy Tunnel of Love.

Really, that was the only word to describe it with: Cheesy.

It was cheesy as Hades and I was sure that even the Aphrodite Cabin would get a good laugh out of it. There was atmospheric lighting showcasing romantic scenes from the ages: Romeo lurking in Juliet's bushes, Helen being kidnapped by Paris, a princess smooching a frog… Being in there was really making my stomach flutter with butterflies and my pupils go heart-shaped.

"See him?" I unbuckled myself and peered into the darkness.

Archimedes squinted as we boated past a statue of Aphrodite. "I don't know." The boat rocked when he undid the seat buckle, and he twisted his torso to look around. He got out his cellphone and turned it on to use it as a flashlight.

"Did I left a note for Mom?" I asked, trying to remember if I'd told her anything before running off to Canada.

"But international fees," he said.

"But an angry and worried mom." I crooked two fingers and the phone was in my hand. I dialed my home number and she picked up immediately.

"Penelope Jackson!"

"Hi, Mom!" I said brightly. "I'm in Canada on a quest, we'll be home later tonight! We'll be okay and I'll give you another call before we get back." The boat jolted and Archimedes lunged forward, and without his belt, he would have landed in the water if it weren't for me grabbing the back of his jacket. "See? Archie's here, he says hi."

I pushed the phone to his ear to ward off the well meaning guilt that my mom could bring.

"Um, hi, Ms. Jackson." Dazed, he held the phone closer and I could only hear bits and pieces from Mom's end. "Yes, we're fine. I know. It was very unexpected. Don't worry, I'll keep her safe." He nodded and faced me. "Your mom wants me to say that she loves you."

"Love you, too," I said.

The call ended and Archimedes put his phone away. "You're usually not like that with her."

"Mom's been worried, I've been worried." I shook my head. "She's been hovering and I don't know how to assure her. The truth will just makes things worse, and I can't lie to her. She also thinks you're a good influence on me." I frowned and saw Archimedes' face in the low lights. "Are you okay?"

"Sorry, this place reminds me of last time." He shivered and leaned back in his seat.

"You can jump onto me and scream if you see one," I said. I patted his back. "I can face the big bad spider for you."

Long story short: It was a useless educated guess. Other than that, this was the most boring Tunnel of Love. No mechanical spiders, no certain doom, just a lot of people kissing while being surrounded by cheesy decor.

And no missing bow and arrows.

What a waste.

"Mall?" I said as we reached the end.

"Fine," Archimedes sighed. "You're right." He sighed again and unbuckled his seatbelt. "I was so sure…"

"Come on." I was already off, and he used my outstretched hand to help himself out. "You can't always be right, that'll ruin all the—_oof!" _I tripped on some ice and my back slammed into the wooden barrister Archimedes' forehead collided with mines, and I could only think _owowowow_ as our arms got tangled with helping each other.

"Sorry! Gods, Penny, I'm sorry—"

"My fault," I mumbled. "Slipped." I blinked a few times and saw how close his gray eyes were. His hands were on my back and, wow, his face was really close. I could see a lot of the little details of his face, like his long eyelashes and the shape his mouth. Now I could feel the butterflies flapping in my stomach.

Wait. Never mind. It was growling. I'd only ate some blue pancakes, and some takeout with Christmas cookies today. A growing hero needed to eat more than that.

"How about we grab a bite?" Archimedes suggested.

"Yeah." I closed my eyes and took a deep exhale through my nose. "That sounds great."

* * *

The hot chocolate and most of the snacks were eaten quickly on our way to the mall's entrance.

"Love's that strong, huh," I said after eating a half of my pretzel. It was bland, needed more salt, but it was warm. That was enough for me.

"Not even the gods can stop it." Archimedes had his arm over my shoulders and it felt nice to lean my head on him. It was cold weather and he was a warm person.

"Really?" I said.

"Yeah, there's a theory for soul mates even." He took a deep breath before starting the lecture. "Long ago when the world was new, people were double-bodied, four legs, four arms, two heads facing away from each other—"

"Does this mean more butts?" I asked. "Clothing must had been difficult." Soul mates and butts, yeah, that screamed romance.

"They had a power that the gods feared," he continued to my amusement. I saw that smile on his face and he stole a piece of my pretzel. "It was incredible, unstoppable, it was something that they couldn't understand—"

"And yet there's a goddess of love and we're on the hunt for the bow and arrows that make that happen—"

"It's a story," he said. "It's a theory about soul mates."

"That has a lot of butts." I turned my head and saw how close his face was. That was happening a lot today. "So, uh, the story."

"Right." His faded tan started to look pink. "Because the gods were so afraid by this power that—" He looked up. "—That a certain ruler hurled his thunderbolt and separated the people, because even though he wanted them dead, he wanted worshippers more. The people were torn in half, confused at what had happened and were left to wander and always trying to find their other half."

"That's depressing."

"It also explains bellybuttons," he hurriedly added as an afterthought. He scratched the back of his neck. "Apollo was ordered to stitch everyone up, and that's why we have bellybuttons."

I almost dropped my pretzel at the idea of seeing Archimedes shirtless (surprisingly enough, maybe that could explain why Athena's kid had bellybuttons). "Of course, butts, bellybuttons, true love that the gods feared. Did someone used Mad Libs when first telling this story?"

"Then get Nichole to summon Plato and we'll talk."

One good thing that came out of last summer was getting Nichole di Angelo on our side. Not only did we have another daughter of The Big Three fighting with us, but also it was great having her back. Someone had to look after her, and now I felt responsible for that job. I had to do it for her and the memory of her brother, Ben.

"We'll have to save that philosophical discussion for later," I said. "Now is the time for some thrilling heroics."

* * *

The underground mall was so much warmer. Sighing in relief, I shed my winter coat and I dumped that and my gloves in my backpack. "Holy Hades, it's freezing out there."

"It beats California. I like the snow," Archimedes said. We stood near a water fountain and that was when we caught a look of our first monster during this impromptu quest.

Look up to admire more of the fountain; we saw our biggest clue. There was small group of empousas, a Laistrygonian, and what looked like a dracaenae or two. They were having a super important meeting at the food court on the floor above. Two monsters moved away and took the elevator, going down to our floor. The rest vanished from our view.

"Let's not cause a scene," Archimedes advised. "I think your mom will kill me if you end up as a wanted criminal again." He discreetly withdrew his bronze dagger, and held his Yankees cap in the other hand. "Split up and conquer?"

The elevator landed on our floor.

"I love it when you talk strategy to me." I uncapped my pen and felt the welcoming weight of Riptide in my hand. "Be careful with the _empousas_."

"It's _empousai_," he corrected. His smile lingered and I thought that he as going to say something about needing luck, instead it was: "Don't get kicked out of Canada without me." And with saying that, he vanished from sight and went to go follow the friendly horde of monsters.

"So much for tradition," I complained and went to go fight some bad guys.

Following the _empousa_ and the Laistrygonian was surprisingly easy in a crowded mall filled with mortals. The _empousa_ was breathtakingly beautiful and would change at times to her demonic settings, and the Laistrygonian was one of those monsters that were easy to spot even in the mist—how many people would wear only a pair of jeans and a tank top in late December?

And that was how I ended up in the girl's bathroom while the _empousa_ was reapplying her lipstick. I closed the door behind me and she jumped when I appeared in the reflection of the mirror.

"Have you seen a missing bow and a quiver of arrows anywhere?" I asked.

The beautiful women quickly transformed; fangs, feet, hair and all.

And so much for talking.

"You want a piece of this?" I held my sword up.

"_Yes,"_ the _empousa_ hissed. Even in her real form, there was still the lipstick line that went from the corner of her lip to her cheek.

Monsters were really eager when having an opportunity to eat people. Who knew?

"Well," I said. "You can't."

And then the Laistrygonian came from behind me.

The smell was the first indicator, I mean, gods; he reeked like old gym uniforms and burned meat. I jumped out of his way and sliced at his side. The cuts were shallow but enough to make him mad. Tall and large, he wasn't that different from his buddies from that old dodge ball game that I'd almost died in years ago.

"Demigod," he snarled, standing to his full height. His bald head almost touched the ceiling. "Food."

"Don't!" the _empousa_ told him. "_Lucy_ may need her."

"What a shame," I said, widening my stance. Anger churned in my stomach at the thought of my former friend. There were some things like betraying friends to help an evil titan that wanted to rule the world that could never be forgiven. "All I gotta say is—"

And then I was backhanded into the wall. It was really painful hitting that mirror and getting my sword knocked out of my hand. I was sitting in the sink with my arms and legs sprawled out, and there was a killer headache starting behind my eyes. I could almost see the cartoon birdies circling around my head.

"Puny hero talks too much." The demigod-eating Canadian cracked his knuckles.

"We need her in one piece," the _empousa_ lashed out, her fiery hair coiled tightly around her head. "Think of the glory that we would bring."

The words rolled around in my brain. Right. Me. They were talking about sending me off to Lucy so that she could be the one to kill me. How nice.

So I moved my butt to the counter and turned on the faucet.

The two monsters stopped talking and they turned to see me.

"Whoops," I said and forced the water to slam into them.

It was chaos.

The Laistrygonian was thrown into a bathroom stall, the _empousa_ was trying to salvage her hair, and I had my sword again. It was loud and messy and this was truly my element. Children of Poseidon, I was told, knew how to thrive in chaos. Maybe because it reminded us of the sea because of how unrestrained it was, but whatever it was, I was really appreciating it.

The water swirled around my feet, and I started to feel my strength come back. I stood tall and ready to win a fight.

"Still want a piece of me?" I said.

The _empousa_ lunged—

—and my sword cut cleanly through her.

The gold dust mixed with the water and I had to spat some of it out of my mouth. Monster dust was nasty and it was going to stick in my hair until I take a long shower tonight.

"You," I said to the Laistrygonian who was stuck in a toilet seat. I held the tip of my sword up to his chin. "Where is he?"

* * *

The exchange was happening on the third floor.

I may not be the fastest runner but the adrenaline and the energy rush from the water was really helping. "Out of my way!" I shouted at people as I flew past mortals on the escalator. They gave me a wide berth. I wasn't sure what they were seeing, but it certainly wasn't a teenage demigod holding a sword. And as long as the Mounties weren't coming to arrest me or anything, I was happy.

I also wasn't worried about not finding them on the third floor because arrows were flying.

Literally. The second that I stepped foot I saw an arrow lodged in a large potted plant. More were in the air as the short Virgil Coeur was shouting orders. He was standing on top of a table; the quiver strapped to his back and the bow was in his hands.

"Don't just stand there!" he shouted, his face was turning scarlet. "Kill him!"

Most of the _empousai_ were gone, leaving one left, and there were two dracaenae that were armed. There was also a lot of gold dust on the ground and footprints. I ran into the fight and let the battle reflexes take over. I wasn't aware of much except for the blood pounding in my ears and the weight of my own sword. Everything was hyper focused and I was getting a _Matrix_-like awareness when the arrows came too close. Camp training told my body how and when to dodge them, and how to take out the monsters without getting eaten. My body was on autopilot and I wasn't even sure how long that was going to last. There was only so much that a demigod could take.

I made the last _empousa _explode in a shower of ichor and gold: and that was when you could see Archimedes. He was standing near me and had taken down another dracaenae. The dust sticking to him made him into a target, and Virgil notched an arrow in the bow, ready to let it fly.

"You've foiled me for the last time!"

"We-we've just met," I panted. The adrenaline was leaving and the headache and pains were retuning. There was one monster left, but I really needed to catch my breath. The dracaenae came at my side with a trident in her hands.

That actually felt insulting.

Archimedes and I got her at the same time. I had my sword in her stomach, and he had his knife in her back. The trident clattered to the floor and Archimedes took his cap off.

His blond hair was plastered to his head with sweat, his jacket was gone, and there was a long gash on the side of his face. He wasn't so worried that there was an arrow pointed at him. "Put that down, we got you."

"You're being extradited," I said. "Have fun explaining to daddy why you stole his stuff."

An arrow was let loose, but we ducked.

"Stab him?" I asked.

"Politely," Archimedes said. "We're in Canada. We have to do things politely."

* * *

We both had to hold Virgil as we ran out of the mall. He was out cold after I'd grabbed the trident and hit him over the head with it. Archimedes had put the never-emptying quiver of arrows on, and had the bow in his other hand. That was when the police came and I was disappointed that they weren't the Mounties arriving on mooseback, if that was a real thing.

We were outside the mall by the time more police cars came, and we were trying our best to look inconspicuous as were leaving the fair.

"How do we know that we weren't hit?" I said. "Those arrows were going everywhere."

"I think it's pretty obvious." Archimedes grunted when he almost dropped his side of Virgil. "One little prick on the finger, and Eros was ready to defy his mother and marry Psyche."

"Sounds like a great story," I said. "Does this one have bellybuttons and butts, too?"

"She became a goddess after dying. There were three trials that everyone wanted her to win except for Aphrodite. It's a great love story."

"She became a goddess," I repeated. "Why can't we have that sort of luck? We saved the world and what do we get?"

"Life," Archimedes snorted. "As much as I would have loved to design a building, all we get is..."

"More danger," I finished. "You would want a building."

"I would love to design a building," he clarified. "There's a complete different with the intention." We were outside the fairgrounds, so we dumped Virgil in a pile of snow. He stirred and mumbled something in his unconscious state about revenge. "Ready?"

"Yup," I said. I got the locket out. Once opening it, we would all be transported back home with Eros there. "You know, I still haven't seen any mooses yet."

"It's _moose_!" Archimedes said. "For the last time, it's _moose_ not_ mooses!"_


End file.
